Okay, here's a thought

-
I just found out, I can never be capable of being in a relationship. Which is a good thing (or bad, maybe, IDK). 

Okay, here's one tiny important but a severely significant fact about me--I have a hard time getting over love interests. I swear to the gods, that's a real pain in the ass. Of all life aspects that I could be slow at getting over, it's love interests! Why couldn't it be ended friendships? Or book sales I could've availed had life not been too cruel? Why do I have to carry the shame of being the type of girl who takes time getting over a boy?!

HEAVENS IF YOU FEEL THE SHAME I FEEL RIGHT NOW THEN YOU WOULD'VE KILLED YOURSELF ALREADY.

I'm fine with Mom pressuring me into maintaining my grades.
I'm fine with a heavy rain on a class day and I didn't bring an umbrella.
I'm fine with Premiere projects taking days to render and export.
I'm fine with a missed quiz or exam.
I'm fine with a classmate talking behind my back and labeling me "a bossy person".
I'm fine with ANYTHING but I SUCK REAL BAD at getting over a boy whom I had 2-week infatuation on.

Okay, with that laid on the table, let's talk about the thesis statement of this, uhmm, text selection.
"I just found out, I can never be capable of being in a relationship."

I already have different scenarios pictured in my head. I know how it will go, already. I've imagined it countless times for every night of my life, hence, me being sleep-deprived.

First thing that will happen is that, I will meet a guy. Second, either I notice him first, or he does me. But since I already have this all foreseen, I think it will be the former. Of course I'll be the one who'll notice him first. I'm a hopeless romantic that way. (SHAME!) Next, either I make a move to be noticed or the stars will align themselves for me and he'll notice me first. (I may be the most pessimistic person in this world but the latter can happen, too. That's what happened in the 2-week infatuation I've just been in.) Fourth, I'll get crazy over the fact that there's been a contact already. Fifth, I'll stay crazy. Sixth, crazy still. Seventh, huh! Still crazy. Eight, hmmm. Let me assume this to be the part where I get into a relationship with him (which is unlikely in real life). This will be the part where we talk all the time and he can't get enough of me and I can't get enough of him. Ninth, where hells break loose. He loses interest in me. Why? Because I'm too attached like a parasite. It will never be vice versa. I know myself too well. It'll always be me who's a little too occupied by the relationship while he is living his life sans me. And, finally, the tenth.

TENTH. Hell itself. Probably a break-up. Or me losing all the self-esteem I have ever had. Me losing control over my life just because one aspect lost its footing. Me suffering. Me (probably) crying. 

ELEVENTH. Me thinking about it for the rest of my life.

That's it. There would be no twelfth. We stop at 11th. 

See it, now? I am emotionally immature and it will never change. As long as I don't get enough experiences, I can never learn. And here's the unfortunate catch: I'm not willing to take risks just  to get experience. Because, I don't want to get hurt. Therefore, this all ends up in a circular argument.

I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER A HEARTBREAK ---------> 
EXPERIENCE --------->
HEARTBREAK --------->
I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER A HEARTBREAK

AND IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON. IT WILL NEVER END.

My hope for now is that I wish this wouldn't last until forever. I still dream of having a family.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2020 Recap

-
Before I completely lose the memories I have of the past three years, I think it would be a great idea to do a recap and recall most of the things that happened during those points in my life. Let's begin in 2020. What a fucked up year that was. It was the year that took my dad from us.  Losing my Dad 2020 was the year of the pandemic, right? Because of that, we had to take our 3rd and 4th year of undergrad online. We had to take our exams online, too, study alone, review alone, with physically no other people who are going through the same tough exams as you.  Anyway, come October of 2020, we were bomb-dropped with the news of having no Prelims and no Midterms, but just one Final exam that will cover the whole semester which we are supposed to take in January of the next year. And so, it was very crucial for us to already start reviewing for that even if it was still October because it's a one-take, one-kill exam. It's your only chance to a good grade with no chance to eve...
Read more

Independence Day

-
So this is it then. The night where I end my 16-year deed of clinging onto my parents, relying on their feet to stand for me. I'm leaving home. Going to an expedition I have no capability of knowing what to make of it. A journey I chose for myself, constructing the bridge connecting me to the successful adult that I soon will be.   During the past few weeks' span, I was counting down days. Now I can just easily count the hours left with just my left hand.
Read more

I'm starting my first Big Girl job next week

-
And I am anxious. No one ever tells you that your first day in your first full time job is also the exact same time your young adulthood ends and your proper adulthood begins. It starts very mildly, and then it snowballs into something really huge that it takes over your life and your being. But you will only see it as a mere milestone--as an ordinary day to celebrate your first day at work (Yay!) when, really, it is a very, very big shift in your life. In your existence. Starting a job for the first time, I haven't got enough experience to actually describe it. But I have a fair share of life events that is like this, inconspicuously life- and status-quo-changing. Off the top of my head, college graduation and passing the CPALE are a few of them. More often than not, the very first layer we see of these milestones is, of course, the surface. And the surface very sparkly only shows that these events are huge achievements that call for celebrations. There is not one sign of the shif...
Read more