I'm awake now

Uhhmmm. So. The last few weeks had been so hard and heavy for me. It was probably the most problematic days of my life.That's why my psychiatrist (me), told me to make a blog where I can pour out everything that I am feeling. And when I say everything, I mean everything. From the smallest bit to the biggest bit. I won't be afraid that people may see this post and use it as a judgment against me because for one, I don't care. I don't care. Haha. I don't care. Why would I make a blog if I hold back my thoughts? Duh. And besides, again, my psychiatrist (me) suggested that it would be better for me to have a release. Okay, shut up now, Charlotte. 

Okay so here's my September story. 

For the past few days, actually, I was already feeling the heavy burden on my frail shoulders (tho if you ask my friends, I don't look frail. I'm just using the words "frail shoulders" as a metaphor for my soul). Okay yeah. So again, for the past few days, my life became a constant process of suffering. As if it was the route of my soul. Going in circles. Until that time in September came when everything was just too much for me that I couldn't handle things much longer. That I couldn't pretend to be strong even if I really wasn't. It was that time when my shoulders finally broke.

That time was hell. True hell. We have this project in investigative Science where we conduct experiments to find out new discoveries in the world of Science. We've been conducting the experiment since summer and it was just last week (hell week) that the results came out. It was so stressful because my group mates were out of town due to their personal agendas and all the work was left on me. It was just me, all alone, finishing our research paper. I know that it's bad but I couldn't help thinking how happy they were on their weekend while I was crying my eyes out trying to find out how to survive and exit the hell I was in. I made the acknowledgments, appendices, abstract, table of contents, Chapter 4, and Chapter 5 of our paper. Can you imagine yourself doing that? Huh? Can you?! Imagine yourself finishing 75% of your paper all alone for just two days! Imagine yourself doing that with all other assignments waiting for you! Assignments that are overflowing. (special mention. English subject. FCK you)

Although, on that weekend, I just kept my cool. I swear I tried to keep my cool so much I think my soul got frozen. 

So yeah. Days passed and I thought I would just get over it easily. But if there's one thing that I've learned on that hell week, it was that never ever hinder yourself from having the pleasure of being mad at everyone and everything. Because it would just build up inside of you and it can destroy you as much as it could destroy others. But then another problem came. And then finally, the build up of stress inside of me finally burst. My foundation has finally given up.

What happened was there was a node that developed in my armpit. It was kinda small but it hurt like it was there to make me suffer. Which, in reality, did. The presence of the node was also the presence of an imaginary placard in front of my face that's throwing words like "Your life is hell, Charlotte" "You were born to suffer, Charlotte" "You were cursed, Charlotte" "Your life is a slow process of suffering, Charlotte" which made me contemplate deeply that yes, those words are true. So true. Finally, I broke down. I cried for hours. I cursed every people who were part of the reasons for my suffering. I told myself that I would never look to the people who I thought were my friends. I promised that when the time comes that I have to make this blog already, I would think about me satisfyingly killing them in my mind. I cried my eyes and soul out. Because this time, I can't hold back my exasperation of life already. I cried for hours until, finally, no tears came out anymore.

The next day, I woke up looking like Vera Wang. My eyes were so puffy that I looked extremely Asian. But at that morning, I actually felt fresh and contented. I felt satisfied with the release that happened the night before. Like the sorrow was on the tears, waiting to come out of me because they've stained my soul for years. I really, really felt good about the release. I thanked God that I was able to survive through that hell. Lesson learned. If no one's there for you, God is.

Remember that post about me saying "Wake me up when September ends"? As a matter of fact, I actually woke. And it was me who woke myself up. I may be depressed but I'm not gonna let myself stay in that state forever. I move on, too, you know. Unlike those teens who really think that their life's hell just because they went over a stupid puppy love break-up or their iPhones are lost or their crush didn't like their selfies. Huh. How immaturely bullshit.

So yeah. That's all. This post would probably be good for my therapy, just as what my psychiatrist (me) suggested.#